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music for eye contact

by upper chief

/
1.
waking up 02:57
we’re as far away as two poles can be. it’s a subconscious trick to keep us in line. to keep us in check. but hey... who said you were clear? it's about three hours until I'm walking. passed aside with a lack of interest. it’s alright. I have better things to do, in the morning: - work is my clay. - we’ll wash our hands of the residue of cray-pas. - I will not run but instead I will roll. the journey towards honesty begins at the center, and vacates at the closest exit.
2.
3.
4.
5.
murder the aesthetic. kill the dynamic. don't come down here. keep my mind clear. there’s a vicious undertone. i just want to sleep. I know better. we’re finally honest. laying down and moving the fuck on. I’ll share something later; I have to focus on what’s happening right now. I’m no fun. I know I’m no fun. a tick in my crotch. I won’t go out tonight. there’s residue all over the landscape. I want to see them bleed.
6.
7.
a comfortable fantasy. goals that are now more than ever realistic. never something brand new. what's the point? how about: lived in. broken in. felt out. expanded from its original state. magical. the dining room, the kitchen, stacks of books, two chairs, lots of sunlight in horizontal beams. elegant presentation, and rooms for art. working hard, we make important things. a park within walking distance. the stage is here. we pretend we’re famous in our field when we’re home. and when we’re on stage we’re famous on the surface. so satisfactory. there are roses everywhere. I'm not letting go.
8.

about

In my dream I apologize to everyone I meet. Instead of introducing myself, I apologize for not knowing why I am alive. I am sorry. I am sorry. I apologize. In real life, oddly enough, when I am fully awake and out and about, if I catch someone's eye, I quickly look away. Perhaps this too is a form of apology. Perhaps this is the form apologies take in real life. In real life the looking away is the apology, despite the fact that when I look away I almost always feel guilty; I do not feel as if I have apologized. Instead I feel as if I have created a reason to apologize, I feel the guilt of having ignored that thing- the encounter. I could have nodded, I could have smiled without showing my teeth. In some small way I could have wordlessly said, I see you seeing me and I apologize for not knowing why I am alive. I am sorry. I am sorry. I apologize. Afterwards, after I have looked away, I never feel as if I can say, Look, look at me again so that I can see you, so that I can acknowledge that I have seen you, so that I can see you and apologize. (C.R., from "Don't Let Me Be Lonely")

credits

released October 16, 2019

an ongoing documentation of the "music for eye contact" album written between 2011 and 2016, all uploads subject to change, credits on each track.

photo by JT in 2015 in Bedford, NY

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all rights reserved

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about

upper chief Connecticut

"music for eye contact"

2011-2016

contact: jtomascak at gmail dot com

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